Once a Chinese general got drunk off some cheap Mexican grain alcohol and ended up in a Turkish monastery. There he met a drunken Irish monk and an angry motorcycle riding giraff named Miguel who had gotten drunk at Mardi gras and decided to seek spiritual enlitgtenment by going to the monastery. Instead the monastery was cold, smelly and the heads of the monastery had a ban against the show mamas family. After pleading for months that they allow the Chinese general to watch mammas family, the Chinese general said screw this and left the monastery along with the drunken Irish monk and the angry motorcycle riding giraffe.
The three headed off back to china, cause as the Chinese general said"Yo China be a happening place, full of tea, women and cheap kidneys if need be".
The three roamed through the Middle East. They met former ballet dancers who had become dictators, hippies trying to find meaning, and Andy Kaufmens younger brother Jeff who had decided to become a stand up comic in Uzbekistan.
Outside of Kashmir they faced the ultimate test of insanity. A village had been dealing with a bandit chief named El pollo. He came every year at the end of the harvest and demanded the villagers crops and their copies of Juggs and moviemaker magazine. He was a real ass and no one liked him.
The villagers had first recruited seven samurai but all they did was scream and waved their swords around before El Pollo ate them during an epic rainstorm. Then they recruited seven gunman led by a bald guy dressed in black, but El Pollo bitch slapped them and made the bald guy his concubine. They even went to the Globetrotters but the Globetrotters had a 10 game road trip against the Washington Generals. The villagers begged the Chinese General, the drunken Irish monk and the angry motorcycle riding giraffe for help.
The three's reaction simply was fuck this shit man.
It wasn't until one of the villagers daughters, Ernest pleaded for help that they gave in. Ernest stood 6-6 and had been the captain of the village basketball team. She had legs like Betty Grable and shoulders like Mean Joe Green. Her hair was like Tina Turners during her private dancer phase.
The drunken Irish monk was smitten with Ernest. He said
"Boys I have searched all over the world for happiness and I think I've found it with this Ernest lady"
The monk took a swig of his Irish moonshine and said" We're taking this El Pollo down, potato famine style!"
The other two looked at The Irish monk and said simply" Okie Dokie"
So the three trained the villagers in the ways of combat. The angry Giraffe taught them the ways of the ancient art of Roshambo. The drunken Irish monk taught them the art of drunken pub fighting. The Chinese General taught them the art of simply being a badass and had them watch the films of Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin and Chow Yuen-Fat. The villagers trained every day for 6 months for the day they would face El Pollo.
At the same time the three learned the ways of the village. They did mesculine every morning with the village shamans, dressed in fabulous scarves and gold chains, ate some wicked Awsome food, and danced like the cast of Chicago.
The drunken Irish monk wooed the lady Ernest, the angry motorcycle riding giraffe befriended three young boys and the Chinese general dreamed of going back home to his true love who every day he dreamed and thought about.
The end of the harvest season came and the villagers waited for El Pollo. They stood guard night and day, in rain or shine, in cold and sleet. They waited and waited until they couldn't wait any longer.
Finally one hot early morning he arrived. The villagers could hear the sound in the distance he would make. It started out as a tiny crowing, but grew louder and louder until it was so loud a person couldn't here oneself think. He came in with a giant cloud of dust.
The villagers stood trembling. The Chinese General, the drunken Irish monk and the angry motorcycle riding Giraffe stood waiting for the dust to settle and the crowing to stop.
After a minute the dust cleared and the crowing stopped. Standing their was a mean looking rooster. He stood 3 feet tall, had feathers on him that would make a flapper jealous and a Beke that was so magnificent. This was El Pollo.
El Pollo paced slowly around the village square. He stared and looked at everyone.
"All right bitches! Where is my motherfucking food?! I don't have all motherfucking day! And you best not be sending some bitch ass warriors on me cause Ill fuck them up!" El Pollo yelled.
"Wow what a dick" the angry motorcycling Giraffe whispered to the Chinese General.
"No shit" the General whispered.
"Well bitches!" El Pollo screamed.
El pollo looked around a moment. At the end of the square the door opened to a barn where the food was kept.
"That's what I fucking thought"El Pollo yelled and walked defiantly over to the barn.
He got to the barn, looked in and saw corn and Doritos as far as the eye could see.
"Hell motherfucking yeah"!El pollo screamed and entered the barn.Right then the door to the barn closed on El Pollo and he was locked in.
"Oh no you motherfuckers didn't "El Pollo screamed.
The villagers and the three warriors stood outside the barn.
What now? A villager asked.
Right then the doors blew open to the barn. Everyone stood in shocked silence.
"Now we did it!" An older villager screamed.
El pollo stood there. He had fire in his eyes and he seethed with anger only reserved for old people who have missed the early bird special. He stared each and every villager in the eye, he stopped when he saw the Chinese General, the drunken Irish monk and the angry motorcycle riding giraffe.
"What I tell you bitches!" El pollo said in a quiet angry voice. "Lets do this"!
El pollo immediately attacked three villagers with Kung fu moves that would make David Carradine crap his pants in fear.
He turned and dropped kicked and old lady who flew 50feet from the impact.
He judo chopped a man so hard the man crapped his pants.
He turned to the three warriors and stared at them.
"Bring it" the angry Giraffe said.
The angry Giraffe and El Pollo circled each other. These two warriors where ready for blood.
The angry Giraffe threw the first punch which struck El Pollo in his Beke, causing a fountain of blood to spill out.
El pollo looked at it. "It be on now"! El pollo whispered.
El pollo countered with a round house kick to the angry Giraffes left legs. He went down. El Pollo jumped on him and threw punch after punch at the angry Giraffes face. The angry giraffe kneed El Pollo in the crotch. El Pollo screamed in pain. The angry Giraffe bitch slapped El Pollo across the beke. The two traded blows back and fourth. Uppercuts, roundhouse kicks, judo chops.
Finally the two stood facing each other. Right then a pebble hit El Pollo in the face. He turned and saw it was the three boys who the angry giraffe had befriended. They had thrown the pebbles.
"Ah fuck" the giraffe said.
El Pollo turned and ran towards the three boys. He jumped up in the air with the karate kick of death aimed at the three boys. The three boys stood in complete fear. But at the last second the angry Giraffe intercepted the kick of death from El Pollo. The hit instantly killed the angry Giraffe on impact. His body lay lifeless on the ground. El pollo turned and screamed." Do you see what happens when you meet a stranger in the alps! Do you see what happens! Do you!"
"Yeah you get your face broken by a an drunken Irish monk and a badass Chinese general"! Yelled the Chinese General.
El pollo charged at the two. The Chinese general grabbed a bamboo stick, the drunken Irish monk grabbed a frying pan. The Chinese general struck El Pollo with the bamboo stick several times across the body. El pollo went flying backwards and hit the ground.The Chinese general leaped into the air and swung the bamboo stick hard on El Pollo as he laid on the ground. El pollo screamed. The drunken Irish monk jumped on El Pollo and smacked him repeditly with the frying pan. After a moment the drunken Irish monk stopped . His breathing was heavy, he turned to the Chinese General.
"I think we got him"
Right then the Drunken Irish monk screamed as a switchblade went into his leg. He looked down, El Pollo had stabbed him. El Pollo pulled the switchblade out of the drunken Irish monks leg.
"I am going to cut you up good bitch"El pollo said quietly.
El pollo slashed his knife across the drunken Irish monks face drawing blood. He jumped on the monk slashing him all across his body. The monk lay in agony bleeding like a stuck pig, screaming.
" now iam making you my fucking dinner" El pollo went to slit the monks throat when boom! He was hit by the Chinese generals bamboo stick. The Chinese general threw hit after hit at El Pollo. He threw almost a 100 hits in a minute at El Pollo. Finally in exhaustion the Chinese General stopped. El Pollo looked at the Chinese General.
"Oh no you didn't!" El pollo said as he looked at the Chinese general
"Oh shit" the Chinese General said.
El pollo came charging at him with his knife drawn. The Chinese general swung his bamboo stick , El Pollo in one fell swope broke the bamboo stick with a karate kick. El pollo slashed The Chinese Generals left cheek. The Chinese general screamed in agony. El pollo went to stab the Chinese General in the jugular, but the Chinese general used both pieces of the broken bamboo stick and smacked El Pollo in the beek . The two circled each other. El pollo swiping at the Chinese general with his knife, the Chinese general swinging his sticks. Finally El Pollo said "fuck it" and pulled out a .357magnum.
"Ah crap" the Chinese general said.
El Pollo aimed the .357 at the Chinese general
"Should of done this shit earlier motherfucker" El Pollo said as he smirked at the Chinese general.
The Chinese generals whole life flashed before his eyes. Images of family, friends and his beloved all passed in front if him.
El pollo cocked the trigger. El Pollo let out a laugh.
Boom a rock hit El Pollo in the face throwing the .357 flying in the air. The Chinese general looked over. The rock had been thrown by one of the three boys the angry giraffe had befriended. Him and El pollo traded looks and then looked at the gun. They both dove for the gun, crashing into each other. They traded blow after blow reaching for the gun , rolling around in the dirt. El pollo violently started pecking the Chinese Generals left cheek where the knife wound was. Blood flew everywhere. The Chinese general started throwing punch after punch at El Pollos beek until it was just a bloody mess. El Pollo with one of his claws ripped out the Chinese generals right eye. The Chinese general screamed and fell onto the ground.
El pollo stood over him
"Don't freaking fuck with a rooster"! El pollo screamed.
Right then he heard the cocking sound of the .357. Turned and saw the old lady he had kicked 50 feet into the air. She had the gun up against El Pollos head.
"Don't freaking fuck with a 97 year old!" The old ladyscreamed.
The old lady pulled the trigger, blowing El Pollos head clear right off. The other villagers jumped on El Pollos body and beat the crap out of it like the Italians did to Mussolini.
The Chinese General looked at the site and said to himself "it's time to go home."
He looked and ran over to the monk who lay in Ernest his lady's arms.
"You Okay?" He asked
"Couldn't be better" the monk said.
That night the villagers had a grand party in honor of the death of El Pollo. Combining an old family recipe the Chinese generals family used for panda and a chicken recipe from the village the villagers and the heroes feasted on El Pollo. Later they had a funeral for the angry motorcycle riding giraffe which lasted 28 days. After a month or two of recuperating the Chinese general decided to leave for china. He asked the monk if he was coming with him, but the monk decided to stay and marry Ernest. The Chinese general congratulated them and headed back to china.
When he arrived home, the Chinese general was met by friends and family. He saw his beloved watching from a distance. She was as he had remembered her being. He turned walked over, embraced her in a passionate kiss that would be remembered for centuries as the greatest kiss ever.
That night the Chinese general cooked everyone the chicken recipe from the great battle with El Pollo and told them the epic story of what had happened. At the end of the story a little boy stood up" General Tso your chicken was good but I think next time you should ad sesame seeds." The little boy said.
The General Tso laughed and said " maybe but why don't you shut up and eat your food"
The whole group laughed and ate their food until they where so full they had to be rolled home to bed.
